Crossed
Lines
This week, Ansel and Caeda's debate was held live on the Institute campus. The following is a transcript from the event.
MODERATOR: The Arcane Institute has requested 27,384 gold for next year's funding, an amount 12% greater than what they received this year. What do you think about this? We'll begin with Caeda.
CAEDA: First of all, let me just say how outrageous it is that our taxes fund the Institute at all. They have plenty of buildings they could sell off if funding is so urgent. And besides, what about all that junk they're inventing? Haven't they heard of patents?
ANSEL: Caeda, Polaris and the Institute develop new magitech for the benefit of everyone. If they started patenting everything, nobody would be able to use that "junk" without paying a fortune. And isn't your brother a fisherman? Where would he be without the enchanted rigging, or the honed compass?
CAEDA: I'm so glad you brought up Polaris for me. Why aren't they funding the Institute directly? They should at least be doing regular audits. Did you know I recently found out they have three guards on payroll minding some random facility out in the woods? THREE? There's waste everywhere you look!
ANSEL: I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason they would need three guards. The Institute handles a lot of very dangerous magitech --
CAEDA: (inaudible)
ANSEL: Sorry, what was that?
CAEDA: I called you a child. You lot are all spoiled by your magitech.
ANSEL: "You lot"? I was at your wedding!
CAEDA: And you knocked over the cheese sculpture!
The scene then devolved into a fistfight.
Be sure to join us next week, when Ansel and Caeda will discuss the crime problems in the Old Town!
Council Interviews
We caught up with members of the Lunar Council to get their thoughts on the case that's shaking Vyria.
Captain Zailla (Armada)
GAZETTE: What is Armada's position on the disappearance of Mother Pine?
ZAILLA: Aye, so ya found out, huh? Well, Armada's benefited real keen from Polaris, and all of us are doin' our best to find her.
GAZETTE: Really? The word in the docklands is that all your ships are participating in the javelin hunt.
ZAILLA: No further comment.
Lord Myron (Hilltop)
GAZETTE: Lord Myron, what have you --
MYRON: It would behoove you to respect my office. Get that voxer out of my face.
GAZETTE: Sorry. Regarding the disappearance of --
MYRON: If a member of the Council has disappeared, which I will not confirm or deny, it would be in your best interests not to pry too deeply, lest your paper finds itself subject to investigation. As you are certainly aware, Hilltop greatly respects the Lunar Accords, and we would do everything in our power for the Council. Now, I am a very busy man, so if you wouldn't mind . . .
Device 12-6833-A (Jesthaen Alliance)
GAZETTE: Jesthaen is very close to Polaris. What's going on over there with Mother Pine disappearing?
DEVICE 12: Mother Pine has made many contributions to this city. She will be missed.
GAZETTE: You're acting like she's already dead. Is there something you're keeping from us?
DEVICE 12: Her odds of surviving dark magic are approximately 1.1333%, repeating.
GAZETTE: But she was -- is -- a very powerful witch in own right. Surely that changes things?
DEVICE 12: ERROR: Further information is classified.
Word on the Street
With Lyrica Mallow
Today, I sat down with a young fontaur gentleman named Enzo, from 14 Arr. We toured the Crisis Museum, then enjoyed a nice cup of kingsgrain tea while we watched the flag raising in the Old Plaza.
LYRICA: First of all, let me just say how nice it's been to spend time with you, Enzo.
ENZO: 'Course, ma'am. Boss says I gotta be more respectative.
LYRICA: "Respectable."
ENZO: Yeah, he is.
LYRICA: What?
ENZO: What?
LYRICA: Er, yes . . . well . . . Anyways, how have you been enjoying your time downtown?
ENZO: It's real nice 'round here.
LYRICA: Have you heard about this business with the Council?
ENZO: I don't know nothin' about a council, or their palace.
LYRICA: Oh. But surely you've noticed how agitated the guards have been, like we're back in the Body Crisis?
ENZO: I ain't never even been in this city before. Say, what'd you call this drink, ma'am?
LYRICA: Is this your first time having tea? It's a caffeinated drink. I think it comes from out in the southern islands somewhere. And, hold on, didn't you tell me earlier that you live in the north district?
ENZO: Real fancy cups it's in, too. Ain't seen cups like this since the Myron job.
LYRICA: Myron? Do you mean Lord Myron? Have you met him?
ENZO: Oops. Boss says we ain't supposed to talk about those sorts of jobs.
LYRICA: And what exactly do you do for a living, Enzo?
ENZO: We, uh . . . it's a legitimate business, if that's what you're asking.
LYRICA: I see. Well, it's been great to meet you, Enzo.
ENZO: Sure thing, ma'am. See ya 'round.
LYRICA: Enzo, I can see you putting the cup in your bag.
Letters to the Editor
Monsters Not Acceptable in Arenas
I'm writing to let you know just how upset I am about the showing in the Jesthaen arenas last week.
This was supposed to be a good, honest gladiator fight, but what happened? Those scoundrels from Darkholme, of course, and their monster!
Frankly, what did the organizers expect, when they allowed a team named "Actual Cultists Who Summon Monsters" to participate?
I've heard they're just exploiting a loophole! We all know villainous intent disqualifies a team from the arenas, but apparently these cultists think ending the world will be good for everyone, so they don't "technically" have evil intentions! It's ridiculous!
Their monster trashed the entire colosseum, and now it's going to be weeks before the Red Knights can play their championship game!
-- Outraged in the Outer Reach
Sick of These Fish
For months, all I've heard is fish this, fish that. Everyone's obsessed with javelin fish, and you know what?
I'm sick of them! I'm sick of hearing about the fish! And I certainly don't want to imagine what's coming up: weeks of fish pies, fish cakes, fish sandwiches . . .
-- "Please, Enough with the Fish Bread!" in Vyria
Reminder: The Gazette does not endorse the opinions expressed in Letters to the Editor.
Not a Cryptid
This is in response to your article dated J.14, "Cryptids of Greater Vyria".
You described the Archivist as a myth propagated by students of the Institute to scare undergraduates.
That is not true. The Archivist is real and I have met him. Furthermore, your description was inaccurate. He has four wings, not two.
-- Rosen S., Arc. Inst.
Lost Arascope
Reward Offered
Recently, a shipment en route for Vyria was overtaken by pirates. The cargo mostly consisted of dry goods, but the pirates also stole a prized arascope.
Arascopes were built with ancient magitech techniques. They alert their bearers about how many people are nearby.
They were crafted by early magitech pioneers in the Sunsands, and most of them have been lost. They are now considered priceless. Less than a dozen are known to exist.
The Gazette has learned that the stolen arascope was sewn into a silk scarf. We have also heard unsubstantiated rumors that the pirates were from the Blueblood crew.
A significant reward is offered by its owner. Please contact the Gazette if you have any information that could lead to its return.
Witchery Services
Will travel to you!
We specialize in lifting curses, healing livestock, casting minor enchantments, cursing miscreants, and brewing potions.*
☞
Just ask some of our happy customers!
☜
-
"I used to have warts! I still do, but now my enemies do too!"
-
"Granny Thorne visited my town, cleared up our well, and turned our magistrate into a ferret! Thanks, Granny!"
-
"Yeah, the witches are real great. Just between you and me, I could have sworn I heard her cat talking. Cats can't talk, right?"
Contact the Vyria witches today!
We accept missives by dove, owl, sending spell, or mail.
*Due to misuse, we no longer offer fortune-telling.